i've always been quiet

on my slow acceptance of introversion

Growing up, I’ve always been quiet, reserved. I never spoke out of turn, I rarely got in trouble in school, I wasn’t bullied and I had friends, but I was often considered introverted. No matter how much I wanted to make more friends and be more popular, my quiet nature never seemed to let me. As a teenager it was likely a mix of a lack of self-confidence and a reputation that preceded me. “Why can’t I just break out of my shell and talk to boys or be someone that everyone else wanted to hangout with” was a common thought during those teenage years.

Once I got to know someone I wouldn’t be able to stop talking, but that often took months or years. I’ve never been one to make “fast friends”. I cherished a small group of close friends and rarely socialized outside of that group.

As I made it to college, I remained the same, but my circumstances pushed me to make new friends and come out of my shell little by little. I joined a sorority and had 75+ new “best friends” thrust upon me. By senior year, I had my core group of friends and there wasn’t any need to be more popular than that. I was having the most fun I had ever had before.

Now I’m 30 years old and still as introverted as ever, but I relish it.

I used to despise being introverted. I used to wish I could “fix” my brain. I didn’t understand that maybe I was just wired this way. I often took the quiet comments as insults and ruminated on them for hours. I am definitely the person who replays social interactions in my head for years.

At some point in the past 5 years, perhaps when my frontal cortex fully developed, I stopped caring about being quiet. I started using this inherent quietness to my advantage. I took up journaling and reading and felt more myself than ever. I accepted that I was never going to be the life of the party or the person with an endless list of friends and acquaintances. I have my group of friends I’ve gathered throughout my life and that’s enough for me.

I do wonder what makes a person introverted versus extroverted though. I watch my extroverted husband, who my friends and I lovingly call “the mayor”, hold court in every bar we ever go to and I am amazed. How do our brains work so differently? Is it genetic? A sign of different socialization as a young child? A choice made early in life?

I think people often underestimate introverts because they are neither the loudest nor the most hilarious people in the room. They stay by the sidelines, keeping to their group, engaging in conversation with those they care about, straying away from karaoke opportunities and drinking games with strangers. As a self-proclaimed introvert myself, my mind is always running a mile a minute. Perhaps that’s why I don’t feel the need to talk to everyone I ever meet. I feel overstimulated in my brain often. Social situations simply add fuel to the fire. Social situations rarely recharge me, so to speak. They drain me, more often than not. Where an extrovert may be energized in a crowded bar talking to whoever saddles up next to them, I feel tired by just the thought. Don’t get me wrong, I love to socialize with my friends and family and husband, but strangers don’t often excite me.

After 30 years as an introvert, I don’t think I can change and I am confident that I don’t want to. I wish I could tell my teenage self that introversion is not the death sentence I thought it was. I have good friends, a great family, a new husband, and my dreams are closer than they’ve ever been.